What to Say Now: Gender Questions

My child asked, “Is that a boy or a girl?”

What to remember

Your child may simply be noticing appearance, clothing, hair, or another visible characteristic. Start with what was actually observed.

Try saying: “You noticed something about that person. What made you wonder?”

Then you can add: “We cannot always know everything about a person just by looking. We can be respectful while we learn more.”

My child asked what transgender means

What to remember

Give a simple definition that matches your child’s age, then invite questions.

Try saying: “Transgender is a word some people use when their sense of being male or female is different from the sex they were identified as at birth.”

Then ask: “What did you hear?” or “What are you wondering about?” You can explain your family’s beliefs after you understand the child’s question.

My child says a friend uses different pronouns

What to remember

Your child may be asking both what pronouns mean and how to treat someone respectfully.

Try saying: “Pronouns are words people use in place of a name, such as he, she, or they. Tell me what your friend asked you to use.”

Then talk about how your family handles respect, friendship, honesty, and situations where beliefs or expectations differ.

My child says, “I don’t feel like a boy/girl”

What to remember

Do not rush to either dismiss the statement or define what it means. First understand the child’s experience.

Try saying: “Thank you for telling me. When you say you don’t feel like a boy/girl, what does that mean to you?”

Listen for what the child is describing: discomfort with stereotypes, body changes, social expectations, identity, distress, or something else. Keep the relationship open while you continue to learn and provide guidance.

My child likes clothes, activities, or interests associated with the other sex

What to remember

Interests, clothing preferences, personality traits, and activities do not by themselves determine a child’s identity.

Try saying: “Liking that does not mean there is something wrong with you. People can enjoy many different things.”

If your child is worried about what the preference means, ask what they have heard and help separate stereotypes from the child’s actual experience.

My child is confused by something they heard at school or online

What to remember

Before agreeing, disagreeing, correcting, or explaining, find out exactly what your child heard.

Try saying: “Tell me what you heard, as best you remember it. What do you think it means?”

Then separate the message itself from your child’s reaction to it. You can provide accurate information and explain your family’s beliefs without turning the conversation into an argument.

Faith & Values

If faith or spiritual beliefs matter to your family, you can explain them clearly while preserving dignity and connection.

Try saying: “Our family has beliefs about the body, sex, gender, and identity. We also believe every person deserves dignity and respect.”

Help your child distinguish between understanding another person, treating someone respectfully, and deciding what your own family believes or practices.

When additional support may help

Ordinary questions about gender do not automatically require professional intervention.

Additional support may be helpful when a child is experiencing significant or persistent distress, bullying, family conflict, social isolation, severe anxiety or depression, self-harm thoughts, or another serious concern.

If there is immediate danger or a risk of self-harm, use the appropriate crisis or emergency support pathway first.